


I loved a boy, once

by Mott



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21841762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mott/pseuds/Mott
Summary: Felix confessed. He was rejected. That was supposed to be the end of it, but apparently, it was not.
Relationships: Sylvain Jose Gautier/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 102
Kudos: 542





	1. Chapter 1

Felix tried to remember when this first started. Probably when they were kids. But it was probably more accurate to say that it started a month ago, when Felix went to grab Sylvain's sorry ass from the tavern back to the monastery. It was a day like today when the rain felt slick underneath the sole of his boots, and Sylvain's uncoordinated stumbling nearly sent them both to the ground several times. Felix definitely cussed Sylvain out loud for his lack of self-control when it came to alcohol and women, and cussed himself inside his head for his lack of self-control when it came to Sylvain. 

It took Felix twice as long as usual to get Sylvain back to his room, no doubt thanks to the icy winter streets made worse by a sheet of rain. Felix was fine with the cold and the snow, but rain was the worst, especially since the temperature drop tonight would surely freeze the roads into future accidents the next day. He was so irritated from the wetness and the chill slipping inside his clothes and inside his boots that he nearly drop Sylvain onto the floor and let that dastard feel the consequences of his actions. 

Instead of following through with his vengeful thought, Felix helped Sylvain out of his wet clothes and boots. It took him a few tries because his fingers were wet, but he also got a small flame spell to light the candle on Sylvain's desk, which was enough for him to locate the pitcher of water that Sylvain always kept for nights like this. And because Felix still felt a little vindictive, he sat on the side of Sylvain's bed and slapped Sylvain awake. When Sylvain blinked at him in confusion, Felix shoved a cup of water against his lips. 

"Drink," Felix said, pressing harder when Sylvain just stared at him dumbly. It took Sylvain a minute, but he did manage to swallow down the whole cup in just a few gulps. "Do you want more?"

Sylvain shook his head. 

"At least you didn't drink so much that you might drown in your own vomit." Felix huffed. "If I'd known that you were going to be this stupid, I never would have told you."

This was what Felix got when he listened to stupid advice and actually confessed his feelings. Served him right, really. He should have taken his own advice and kept his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry." Sylvain croaked. 

"Not your fault," Felix said with a gentleness that he never knew he possessed. Perhaps it was because he was tired. Perhaps it was because Sylvain looked so vulnerable. Perhaps it was because he always knew they wouldn't be more than friends, but there was always that small hope that refused to be silent, and now in the wake of Felix's confession it was finally put to rest forever. It felt like the situation was no longer in Felix's hands which was a small blessing. 

Sylvain's face crumbled. With surprising strength and coordination, he pulled Felix closer and curled up into a ball. He dug his head into Felix's side. "I'm so sorry, Felix. I'm so sorry."

Felix swallowed and looked away. Sylvain hadn't done this since they were kids. "You idiot, didn't you hear me the first time? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I can't lose you, Felix. I can't."

"You won't," Felix said firmly, pushing away the protest inside his head that he needed some distance from Sylvain. Looking at Sylvain now, one would think that Felix was the one who rejected him.

Felix reached for Sylvain's hand and pried it off the fabric of his pants to tangle their fingers into a tight clasp. "I'm here. I promise. I don't go back on my promises."

"You're here."

"I'm here."

Sylvain must be more out of it than Felix realized. Felix had to repeat those words several times before Sylvain relaxed to sleep and Felix could tuck him in properly. He was dead from the world when Felix propped him onto his side. It was unlikely given Sylvain's constitution, but just in case, Felix left the chamberpot right where Sylvain could vomit into it. 

If Felix knew that Sylvain would reacted like this, he never would have told him.

_"Felix? Felix, did you hear me?"_

And thus, all of that nonsense led to Felix being trapped in his current predicament. 

Felix sighed. "Yeah I heard you. What are my options?"

"Well the simplest option is for you to confess your feelings," Linhardt said with a yawn. He was bored now that they have identified Felix's illness to be something not as interesting as he had hoped. "Since the plants are pretty small, it's not going to be a problem if you take care of this right away." He gestured toward Felix's bare chest, where his lungs glowed golden with Linhardt's spell through his skin, and Felix could see small shadows of thirty or so small plant sprouts branching out. 

Felix could barely restrained from snapping at Linhardt because obviously, Felix wouldn't be sitting here in the infirmary suffering from this invasive exam and Ingrid's worried stare if that was even an option.

"That's not an option," Felix gritted out.

"Why not? This is your life we're talking about here!" Ingrid sounded indignant, and _really?_ Felix should be the one to be indignant with this load of shit that was dumped on him. He did not need this. 

"What are my other options?" Felix ignored Ingrid's huffing because he needed a solution, and fast. They were heading into battle in the next moon, and Felix couldn't afford to be a burden because his stupid feelings made him sick. He refused to let his enemies sliced through the people under his command because he was too busy coughing every five minutes.

"Your other option is to have them removed," Linhardt said. "Unfortunately, I don't have the skills to precisely remove them. It is also tricky because there are so many of them. After a few more weeks, the competition for nutrients will kill most of these off leaving the strongest one, and it is easier to remove just one. Your recovery time might be long. I will consult with Professor Manuela, and I definitely need help from her and Mercedes before we proceed."

"Of course," Mercedes said. "I will do everything in my power to help."

"This seems like a painful process," said Ingrid because she did not know how to keep her nose where it belonged, which was not in Felix's affairs. Although, he supposed he should be grateful that she dragged him to the infirmary because he wouldn't have known he had this stupid disease otherwise. "It's so much easier if you just communicate your feelings to whoever it is."

"How long is the recovery period for the removal surgery?" Felix asked as if he didn't notice Ingrid glaring daggers at him. 

"Anywhere from two weeks to a month or more, depending on your health conditions. Probably two weeks for you," said Linhardt. "But." Linhardt paused, his sleepy gaze replaced with an analytical one. Felix straightened under his assessing look. "I want you to be aware: if you do the surgery, you will lose all feelings for that person."

Felix felt his body go cold. His initial unwavering determination to do whatever he could to get over this disease before it affected his performance on the battle field quickly disappeared. 

"Do I—" Felix looked away from Linhardt. He looked at the thirty or so small shadows spreading across his lungs, the deadly evidence of his futile love. "Is there another option?"

The room went silent. Felix felt his face warming in humiliation at the reveal of how pathetic he was. It made him wish that he never stepped foot inside this infirmary and just died peacefully without anyone knowing that him, Felix Hugo Fraldarius, who vowed to live for himself and himself only ever since Glenn's death, who adamantly chided others for their obsessive devotion to another, was willing to risk death and go against everything he stood for. 

"You've got to be kidding me!" Ingrid snapped, and Felix had never seen her so angry. 

"Felix." Mercedes's voice was gentle but firm. "There isn't another option. I don't know the specific circumstances, but I don't think that person would want you to lose your life for them this way."

"I don't know why you can't just confess," said Ingrid. 

Felix gritted his teeth. He knew that Ingrid hadn't caught on just yet because as far as she was concerned, Felix probably was too emotionally constipated to take her advice and communicate his feelings. Honestly, it was a fair assessment. He wished she would just dropped it, but stubbornness was in her blood. 

"Instead of doing this difficult surgery or choosing to die, you could just—"

"I did."

Ingrid looked completely floored, her mouth agape. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before she could manage to say one word. "What?" 

"I did, and he doesn't—" Felix swallowed. He couldn't meet anyone's eyes, couldn't let himself see their pity. "He said he doesn't have the capability to—" Felix had to stop because he was thinking about that afternoon again. Sylvain's hair bathed in sunlight, their legs swinging over the pier, the gentle caress of Sylvain's laugh, and Felix felt so filled with love that he had reached out and tucked some stray strands of hair behind Sylvain's ear because he wanted a better view of that smile. But then Sylvain's face morphed into confusion, and at first Felix thought it was because Sylvain was surprised because it was the first time Felix had initiated something resembling affection. 

Sylvain had pulled away, and Felix knew right then it was a mistake. 

"Felix," Ingrid breathed. "I'm so sorry." She looked like she wanted to pull him into a hug but then decided against it. She reached for his hand and squeezed it tightly in hers instead. 

Mercedes approached and gave his other hand a pat. It made him feel almost guilty for snapping at her the last time for treating him like her little brother. 

"Do I have another option?" Felix sighed, taking advantage of Ingrid's guilt in bringing up a painful topic before Ingrid recovered and asked him why he didn't want his feeling removed. 

"There is," said Linhardt. "The sprouts are really small and probably pretty easy to kill. We could starve them until they die out."

Felix frowned. If it was really that easy, wouldn't everyone do this treatment instead of those other two options? "What's the catch?"

"Well, I haven't tested it on anyone before," said Linhardt. "I recently developed a concoction that is derivative of the anesthesia we used for surgeries. The simplest way to describe it would be to make your emotions "fall asleep" so to speak. The Hanahaki disease depends on the emotions of your unrequited love to grow. It's possible we can suppress your emotions until the plants die out."

"Isn't this the same method as the surgery? Wouldn't I still lose those feelings?" Felix wanted to smack himself for sounding so fearful about that. Why was that worse than dying?

"I think losing your unrequited feelings should be the least of your concern," said Ingrid. Felix tried to pull his hand away from hers, but she tightened her grip. 

"Perhaps, but perhaps not," said Linhardt. He looked fully awake now, probably because he was excited at the prospect of testing his new concoction on Felix. "The spells used to physically remove the plants also aim to remove the feelings that caused them so the disease won't return. I can't guarantee anything with my concoction. The disease might come back. We don't have a full understanding of what this disease can do yet."

"This sounds dangerous," Mercedes said softly. "Suppressing feelings might suppress your fighting instincts, Felix." 

It was dangerous. Felix's instincts, honed from years of training, had saved his and his comrades' lives countless time. He couldn't take that risk. But the alternative would not work for him. 

He thought of Sylvain clutching at him, desperate for him to always be there. He thought of that one dying afternoon sunlight, when Sylvain said that all he wanted was for somebody to love him, and Felix's heart had squeezed tightly at the thought. _"Me. I promise I can. I'm here."_

"I can still fight, with or without them," said Felix. "I just have to train harder, that's all."

"Felix, I don't think this is worth the risk," said Ingrid.

"Good thing this is my body, my feelings, and therefore my own choice," said Felix, irritated because he was already starting to doubt himself, and that wouldn't do. He turned to Linhardt. "When can I start?"

  
  
  
  


It finally stopped raining, but Felix was still in a foul mood. He had taken the first dose of Linhardt's magic concoction last night after dinner as instructed, and rather than making Felix feel less, it made him incredibly irritated at everything...at the weather, at the food, at life, at his body which decided that it had to ache every second of the day and not in the sore way after training, at the fact that he couldn't seem to digest anything lately, at Sylvain's stupid face as he came to interrupt Felix's training _again_.

"Ingrid looks pretty mad at you" was Sylvain's greeting.

Maybe the concoction was working because rather than wanting to jump into Sylvain's arms, Felix wanted to throw his training sword at Sylvain's face instead. Logically, Felix knew that this was unusual. He usually got angry quickly but never in this explosive way. His emotions keep flickering between complete apathy and extreme anger, and Felix didn't know how to deal with them. 

Felix returned to hacking at the training dummy instead of responding to Sylvain. He didn't trust himself not to say something he would regret. His whole body felt like a wire wound tight. Now, the concern wasn't whether Felix's instincts would be dulled, but rather they would sharpen into paranoia. Felix made a note to check with Linhardt and Mercedes again even though a part of him felt reluctant since he just did a check in recently. 

"Felix, you with me, buddy?" Sylvain moved so that he was in front of Felix's line of sight once more, but he was smart enough to keep his distance. 

"What do you want?" Felix didn't bother looking away from his target. He had about one moon to pull himself together before the next battle. He didn't have time to entertain Sylvain and whatever nonsense that he wanted to pull Felix into. 

"Hey now, no need to be so cold. I’m just checking up on you," said Sylvain. From his peripheral vision, he could see Sylvain linked both his hands behind his head and shifted foot to foot in his typical faux casual pose. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"You have seen me now," said Felix, shifting into a left swing and noting that, like with his other attempts, he didn't feel the impact as the blade met the dummy like he used to. Linhardt had asked that he reported as many symptoms that he had noticed as possible. Felix should probably write things down.

"You seem different," Sylvain said, body shifting again to keep a hand on his hip. 

Felix didn't bother to comment on that. "This is a waste of time. What do you want? Just spit it out."

"Is everything alright?" Sylvain's voice softened. "I noticed that you've been going to the infirmary a lot lately. I knew you've had a pretty bad cold for nearly a moon now. Is it...is it not a cold?"

Felix froze. Sylvain was one perceptive dastard when he wanted to be. A part of him was tempted to tell Sylvain everything because it didn't matter whether Sylvain knew or not. It wouldn't change the fact that Felix was sick. It wouldn't change the fact that Sylvain didn't return Felix's feelings. And Felix didn't care whether Sylvain knew or not.

" _Felix_ ." Sylvain pleaded, and it was only then that Felix looked at him, which Felix quickly realized was a mistake. Sylvain looked so crushed, and Felix's chest began to burn at the sight. "We haven't talked to each other in so long. I know something is going on with you, but you won't tell me, and Ingrid knew something too but she's not saying anything. How could you tell Ingrid and _not me_?"

An itch slithered inside Felix's chest and up his throat. "Nothing is going on." Felix barely managed to grit out without starting a coughing fit. "I'm fine."

"Is it because of what happened a moon ago?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Felix lied. It was. Everything was about what happened a moon ago. 

Sylvain's face was grim. The shadows underneath his eyes were darker than Felix remembered. Felix felt his mind becoming clearer at the sight, and he remembered why he didn't want Sylvain to know. It was as if ever since he took that concoction, his mind was in a weird haze, and Sylvain had reminded him now what it was like to feel for his childhood friend. 

Sylvain couldn't know about Felix's sickness because Felix loved Sylvain, and he knew Sylvain. Sylvain would absolutely, without a doubt, tell Felix what he wanted to hear just so he could save Felix's life. Although Felix was good at reading Sylvain, he knew that if Sylvain wanted to, Sylvain could look at Felix straight in the eyes with his stupid smile that Felix could never get enough of and lied to Felix without Felix ever knowing the truth. Sylvain would say that he loved Felix, and Felix didn't know if he could stand that. 

Felix didn't want to be another person in Sylvain's life who only knew how to drain Sylvain dry with their selfish wants. 

Fuck, Felix's chest burned so badly. His entire body shook as he tried to push down the cough pressuring up his throat. 

Felix hastily walked off and returned the training sword to the rack. He had to leave. He needed to return to his room. He needed water. He needed to lie down. His mind was buzzing, thoughts clashing against each other. 

Despite all attempts to suppress it, Felix nearly doubled over into the weapons rack as he tried to cough out the burning itch in his lungs into his arm. He coughed until his throat hurt, but he couldn't stop because no matter how hard his body tried, those tiny plants remained embedded in his airways. A warm hand carefully rubbed circles onto his back, and Felix met Sylvain's worried gaze.

When Felix's cough slowed down to a stop, he realized with horror that there were small specks of blood dotting his arm. 

That wasn't right. Linhardt said that he was still at the early stages. 

Something warm trickled from his nose and quickly dripped down his chin. Felix wiped it with his hand, and it came out bright red.

"Hey, let's get you down somewhere and stop the bleeding." Sylvain gently tugged him to the edge of the training ground. Felix pinched his nose tightly with one hand even though it was hard since his fingers were slick with blood, but he didn't want Sylvain to let go of his other hand. 

Sylvain pulled out a handkerchief as Felix sat down on the step into the training ground. "Here, let me," Sylvain said as he pulled Felix's bloody hand away and gently pressed Felix's nose closed with the handkerchief. "Tip your head forward a little—I got you."

Their position gave Felix a perfect view of Sylvain's collar bone peaking out from his open shirt. Felix tried not to focus on that because that would just make the situation worse. He thought instead, about how this felt like when they were kids, and Sylvain was the one to patch him up whenever he got into a fight or an accident. Sylvain used to say that he needed to learn healing magic to help Felix out of his messes, until they became older and he started saying instead that he would learn because women liked a guy who was good with his hands. 

And, because Sylvain had an awful habit of making life simultaneously worse and better for Felix, he placed the back of his other hand on Felix's forehead. "Hmmm, you might be running a slight fever." Felix was sure his face was perfectly bright red right now, and he was tempted to pull away from Sylvain and risk bleeding his entire body's worth of blood onto the training ground. 

"We should get you to the infirmary when the bleeding stops," said Sylvain. "Felix, this isn't a normal cold, is it?"

Felix focused on the archery targets on the other side of the ground just so he didn't have to meet Sylvain's eyes and give himself away. If Sylvain's frustrated sigh was any indication though, Felix was mostly unsuccessful.

The dampness of the stone step was seeping through Felix's pants, but Felix barely felt it because he was so hyper aware by Sylvain's closeness and his scent. Felix could see a hint of stubble along his jaw and the one lone hair underneath his chin on the left that he missed while shaving.

Linhardt's concoction was obviously not working. 

Felix was doomed. 

"I miss you," Sylvain said, startling Felix from his chaotic thoughts. Sylvain chuckled, and it sounded so hollow to Felix's ears. "I feel like we're going to drift away from each other, and I don't know how to fix it." 

Felix didn't know either. Overhead, the sky rumbled, and it started raining again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot, for the life of me, get my brain to stop thinking about Would There Be Magic X-ray for diagnosis? And because I thought it would be neat, I've decided to write a fic so I could have a context for this one tiny detail.
> 
> Stay tune for next chapter when Linhardt up the dosage and there are Consequences.


	2. Chapter 2

Felix was just starting to eat his breakfast when Sylvain sat in front of him with a sweet bun in hand and a plate of berries. "Good morning!" Sylvain said before taking out half the bun with just one bite. His face seemed to dim when Felix didn't say anything in response. Felix didn't know what he was supposed to say. Was he supposed to?

Sylvain looked nervous, which was unusual. "What? No comment about how I should eat something more substantial for training today?"

Felix recalled saying something along those lines before. He realized that actually, he said those words nearly every day once. Felix did not understand why he would suggest Sylvain eat something with more nutritional value when Sylvain could do whatever he felt was appropriate for his health, and Felix also didn't understand why he would suggest training when Sylvain could decide his own training schedule. The more he thought about it, the more his past actions seemed foreign to him.

Felix had his own breakfast to work through anyway if he wanted to return to training. Just as he took another bite of egg, Sylvain interrupted his meal with more unnecessary commentary. "No pepper with your boiled eggs?"

Felix blinked. It was true that he usually ate his eggs with pepper. He thought about whether he should go get pepper and came to the conclusion that it was not worth the effort. "It's not necessary. I will be full either way."

"Well I don't think a little flavor hurts anyone," said Sylvain. "I'm surprised you even said that. You always called out people for their weak tolerance for spices."

True, Felix remembered doing that. It didn't make any sense to do that since food was food. Felix remembered that he had preferences for certain flavors before, but he didn't care now. What difference would flavors make? As long as Felix felt full, awake, and ready for the day's tasks, that was all he needed. Speaking of which, he needed to finish eating soon.

Sylvain dropped the bun he was eating onto his plate of berries and looked at Felix like Felix just grew two more heads. "What?" Felix asked.

"The kitchen had the spicy fish dango on the menu today," said Sylvain. He leaned in closer toward Felix and gave Felix a weird look.

"I saw," said Felix. "The line for it was very long, so the eggs were a better option."

"Felix, _spicy fish dango_." Sylvain repeated.

Felix frowned. "I know. So?"

"You didn't grab me this morning. You usually got so mad at me when I made you late for spicy fish dango that I thought you just went by yourself to get it."

Felix thought about this. Sylvain was right. It was one of the foods that he looked forward to the most every month, and it was also one of Sylvain's favorite. Back in the days before the kitchen staff posted the weekly menu on the first day of the week, Sylvain used to let Felix know when the kitchen would have the fish dango for breakfast based on the intel he obtained while flirting with the kitchen staff. The deep fried fish balls were very popular with the Empire students, so it had always been a vicious line to go through for little food. Felix used to get so mad in the few instances when Sylvain made him late to breakfast on spicy fish dango days just because Sylvain was out late with someone.

They would have to stand in line for ages, and Sylvain would say: "Well at least we can spend more time with each other."

Thinking about it now, Felix should have just gone to breakfast by himself back then. "It's true. I did get mad at you for that. It won't happen again." It was a strange thing to be irritated with. They were not obligated to eat together. Besides, Felix didn't care for the fish dango now anyway. The fried dough would make him sleepy.

"Hey now, not that I'm not ecstatic that you won't be mad at me but this is weird," said Sylvain. He grinned, but it didn't look quite right. "You're not secretly dying on me, are you?"

"No," said Felix, and that wasn't even a lie. Felix wasn't dying now that Linhardt increased his dosage and placed stronger spells on the concoction. Linhardt also figured out how to modify the concoction such that Felix wouldn’t lose physical sensations, just how he emotionally felt about them. Felix was no longer coughing as much, although he still ran a high fever sometimes, but according to Linhardt that was just his Crest's response to invasive magic. Once Felix's body got used to the concoction, the fever should be gone.

Sylvain frowned. "If something is going on with you, you know I'll be there to listen right?"

"Sure," said Felix. He finished the rest of his eggs, and after he deemed himself full and ready for the day, left the table.

Sylvain was still staring at his back as he left.

It was strange how Sylvain's eyes always followed him now. He always gave Felix a silly grin when Felix caught him in the act, but Felix could tell that it wasn't sincere. Felix knew that Sylvain was trying to figure out what was going on with him, but Felix couldn't feel the same sharp fear that he used to feel whenever he thought of Sylvain finding out the truth.

There would be consequences if Sylvain found out. Felix knew this. He just didn't know if he cared.

"You don't seem to be coughing anymore," said Mercedes as she let go of his wrist. "Your pulse is slower than normal, but that could just be because you seem calmer than before." She gave him an uneasy smile. "You're also no longer running a fever. How do you feel these days?"

"I feel good," said Felix. Honestly, he had never felt better. He felt like a calm lake in the early morning, only occasionally disturbed by a small leaf falling onto the surface or an animal nipping for a small drink by the shore.

His head was clear. His body was in better shape. His battle instinct was better now that most of his attention was focus on the mechanics rather than stray emotions. Sometimes, and only sometimes, Sylvain would say something or smile or look a certain way, and Felix would feel a tiny itch in his heart. Whenever this happened though, Linhardt's magic would cool his mind, and Felix could feel himself returning to equilibrium. 

"You are doing better" was Linhardt's assessment. "The increase dose seems to be working then."

"How do my lungs look?" Felix asked. He thought the plants looked like they were beginning to wilt, but that could just be his imagination.

“The plants look like they’re wilting," said Mercedes, and Linhardt nodded in agreement.

"That's good," Felix said, only because he thought that he should be glad by the news. He strangely felt nothing about the improvement.

"You don't seem relieved." Mercedes pointed out. She was frowning in earnest.

"I am relieved." Felix said. The words came out reflexively before he realized they weren't true. Well, he didn't feel relieved now, but he probably would later after everything was over. There was no need for Mercedes to look so worried. Felix was fine.

His response made Linhardt raised an eyebrow. What did that mean? Did he say something wrong? Was there something on his face?

"I know the concoction should dull your feelings of love and also make your other emotions feel less intense, but I didn't think it would remove everything altogether." Mercedes turned to Linhardt, who was looking unsure for the first time throughout this entire process. "I don't think this is a good sign."

"I feel fine. I feel better." Felix insisted. He didn't want to go back to how he was before, being out of breath all the time, losing stamina, losing focus, and feeling hopelessly in love with Sylvain again. He didn't remember how all of those things felt anymore, but he knew they could be all consuming, and he needed them not to be. He just wanted to be himself without all these weights dragging him down. He just wanted to be free. 

"The plants are dying slowly," Linhardt said. "Once they're gone, we can slowly take you off the medicine, and you can be back to how you were before."

Mercedes looked pacified by that, but she still looked concerned. Felix didn't have the heart to tell her that even if his emotions didn't return, he would be fine.

In fact, Felix was beginning to suspect that he would rather they didn't.

It finally stopped raining and started snowing properly as winter should. When the wind picked up, a sprinkle of snow dusted over the walkways, and for the first time this moon, it felt like winter to Felix. The hallways needed to be cleared, and likely so would the training grounds now that the drill master was in the infirmary. Felix should think about organizing a group to start working. He found that he no longer had strong feelings about group work even though it was something he strongly disliked before.

As he walked up to the dining hall, the wind picked up again, bringing with it familiar laughter. Felix's attention perked up by instinct, and he could see Sylvain and Lysithea at the top of the stairs together. Felix braced for _that feeling_ he had whenever he saw Sylvain with a girl.

It never came.

Sylvain spotted him at last. "Felix!" Sylvain called out and wildly waved both his arms as if he was concerned that Felix would ignore him otherwise.

Felix watched as Sylvain headed to him, and for reasons inexplicable to Felix, Sylvain hopped on the last stair step toward him. The snow on the step was fresh and had not tightly packed into a slick layer just yet, but it was enough for Sylvain to slip on the last step. Felix quickly opened his arms as Sylvain crashed into him in a flurry of red hair and flailing limbs.

Even without his armor on today, Sylvain was heavy. Felix stumbled at the added weight, and his feet moved on instinct to rebalance them, but Sylvain wrapped his arms around Felix's shoulders, clinging on tightly, and the sudden added movement made Felix lost control of his feet.

They slid and crashed into the bushes in a furious explosion of snow, broken branches, and Sylvain's yelp against his ear. Felix could feel each hot exhale against the back of his neck. His ear itched by Sylvain's slight stubble. When Sylvain began to dissolve into laughter, Felix shoved him off.

"Are you guys alright?" Lysithea had rushed down when Sylvain crashed into him.

"Nah, I think we're fine." Sylvain groaned as he slowly pushed himself back up. He grabbed Felix's wrists and pulled him up. Sylvain looked surprise that Felix would let him.

"Just getting that hug that Felix owed me," said Sylvain. The smile on Sylvain's face slowly faded as Felix said nothing and brushed at his clothes. "Are you mad?"

"No," said Felix. He patted at his head and felt small pieces of branches in his hair. It would be a hassle to remove them all. He untied his hair and ran his hand through the strands several time before he got most of it out. Sylvain stared at him with wide eyes like he was mesmerized by the sight.

Felix retied his hair. 

"Really? Because you seem..." Sylvain trailed off. He dug his hand into his hair and scratched the back of his head, looking shyer than Felix had ever seen him. "...different."

"Different?" Felix frowned. He didn't get mad at Sylvain. Was that not a good thing?

"I didn't even earn a single frown for that stunt," said Sylvain. "You even willingly catch me in your arms, and I like that by the way, but it seems weird that you would. Everything alright?"

"You want me to be mad at you and let you fall," said Felix. It did not make sense to let Sylvain fall and obtain an injury easily preventable. The infirmary was full, and all the healers were busy. If Sylvain sprained something, he might not be able to join the next battle, and Sylvain was a skilled mage. 

"Yes...well, no, I don't want you to but...I'd rather have the normal Felix. Mean and grumpy and everything."

"I see," Felix said even though he did not understand.

Lysithea looked at Sylvain, and then looked at Felix. She did that again a few times as if she wasn't sure what to make of their interaction.

"Y-you do?" Sylvain said. "Does that mean you'll stop avoiding me?"

This conversation was becoming confusing to Felix. "I have not been avoiding you."

"You haven't? Really? Whenever I seek you out, you were always busy, and you haven't dragged me into training for a while now."

The thought came up once every while that he should go see Sylvain, but then his mind began to think about other tasks that he had to finish, and then he would forget. When he did remember though, checking on Sylvain didn't seem like it should take priority over other more necessary activities like training or checking winter supplies or sword maintenance. "It slipped my mind."

"Just don't forget about your best friend, alright?" Sylvain laughed nervously. "Oh, before I forgot—damn it—they're probably a little crushed from the fall. Here—"

Sylvain pulled a small bag from the inside pocket of his jacket and handed it to Felix. Even without opening the bag, Felix could smell the scent of warm dough and cinnamon. When Felix tugged the drawstring bag open, several deep fried dough balls squished against each other greeted him.

"Try them. They're not too sweet, I promise," said Sylvain.

The fried dough balls were of different sizes, and there was even one that looked like two fused together like conjoined twins. The coloration of each was slightly different too, as if some of them stayed in the frying oil a lot longer than others. Felix thought about Sylvain's attempt to bake bread when they were kids. Sylvain was really good at kneading dough and bad at everything else.

"Did you make these?" Felix asked.

"I tried to sweet talk the kitchen staff into making them, but I couldn't. Tried Lysithea too, but that didn't work either." Sylvain shrugged. "I thought you could use some cheering up."

"If by sweet talk, you mean begging, then yes," said Lysithea. She turned to Felix and gave him a conspiratorial smirk. "He won't stop bugging me for days about what spices I used in that cake you really liked."

"Hey now, it wasn't quite like that." Sylvain laughed nervously.

Felix tried one. It had a slight crunch on the outside and soft on the inside. Sylvain was right—it wasn't too sweet. Sylvain also used the same spices that Lysithea had on the only cake Felix wouldn't mind eating. This was something that Felix might have enjoyed eating before, but all he could think about now was whether eating these would be filling enough to skip breakfast.

"Well, my job here is done. Hope you feel better soon, Felix," Lysithea said before she left. 

"What is she talking about?" said Felix. 

"You seem unwell lately," said Sylvain. "Are you still sick?"

"No." When Sylvain still looked suspicious, like he could pry the truth from Felix if he stared hard enough, Felix added. "I feel fine."

"You know," Sylvain's voice went soft, as did his eyes. "I've been trying to figure out if you're sick and you're trying to hide it or—if you're still upset about what happened a little over a moon ago."

"I'm not upset, and I am not sick," said Felix.

"Okay then," Sylvain said, in a tone that meant he clearly didn't believe Felix. "Okay."

"Is that all?" Felix asked. 

"Yeah that's—" Sylvain gestured to the bag of treats in Felix's hand. His shoulders slumped, and he looked disappointed, but he quickly tried to muster a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "That's all."

Felix thought he should feel something in this fragile moment. Sylvain's laughter, Sylvain's silliness, Sylvain's smile, Sylvain's dejected expression...everything of Sylvain used to mean something to Felix once. Sylvain used to make him feel things.

But Felix no longer felt any of them.

Felix didn't think about Sylvain again until Ingrid mentioned him after their afternoon drills. 

"You know, Sylvain asked me if I knew what's going on with you. He asked if you have a serious illness that you’re hiding," Ingrid said as they left the training grounds. She stopped there, and Felix knew there was something else she wanted to say but she seemed like she didn't know how to say it.

Felix grunted in acknowledgement. He thought about how his sword should be repaired before the next battle. He would need to stop by the blacksmith tomorrow. After, he could stop by the weapon shop to see if there was anything new after the shipment of ores from monster hunt last moon.

"I didn't tell him anything, but he will find out eventually," said Ingrid. "I don't know if I could hold him off any longer—he has been relentless lately. Are you...going to tell him ever?"

"He doesn't need to know," said Felix. He didn’t understand why Ingrid was so conflicted about this when there were more important things to deal with. "Do you think the treatment has been affecting my fighting ability?"

"No, I don't. In fact, I think you actually improved a lot."

"Then there is no need to tell anyone else. But, if you think my medical condition will be an issue, I will tell the Professor."

Ingrid looked incredulous. "You would? Tell the Professor?"

"Why would I not?"

"I thought, I don't know...that you might be too proud and stubborn to let anyone else know."

"If it can hurt our chance to win at the next battle, I will."

Ingrid frowned. "I didn't expect you to say that. Especially at the last battle when you insisted on fighting and didn't let anyone know you were _dying_."

“I didn’t know the illness was that serious.” Ingrid had a point though. Felix knew that back then, even if he knew, he would have kept on fighting. Now, Felix couldn't fathom why he would do something like that. "That was reckless. I will let the Professor know next time if there is an issue."

Bizarrely, his sensible response only made Ingrid stared at him with incredulousness. "Did you just willingly admit your wrong doing without a fuss?"

"Is there anything else?"

"No, just—I’m weirded out by you right now." Ingrid sighed. "Okay, so it's good that you'll be proactive in letting the professor know but...Felix, what about Sylvain?"

"What about him?"

"Felix, he's really worried about you! Don't you...don't you want to let him know?"

Felix did not follow Ingrid's line of logic. Perhaps he was missing something crucial. "Why would I want to let him know?"

"Because he's your best friend. Ever since we came back to the monastery, you guys seem even closer than you were five years ago. I thought..." Ingrid's eyes widened. "Felix...is it? Is it Sylvain that you have feelings for?"

Had. Had feelings for. Not have.

Felix watched silently as understanding dawned on Ingrid. "Oh _Felix._ "

"I'm getting better," said Felix. Both Linhardt and Mercedes had confirmed that his lungs were recovering. One day, he would be back to normal, and...well, Felix wasn't sure if he even wanted his feelings back. "I'm eating better. I'm fighting better. Perhaps getting that surgery to remove the plants wouldn't have been so bad."

"Do you really mean that?" said Ingrid.

Felix tried to conjure up the image of Sylvain's smile in his mind. He thought about a future where they were no longer close, separated by large stretches of roads between their territories and Felix's indifference, and felt nothing.

Rather than giving Ingrid an answer, Felix walked away. The snow began falling again, and his heart felt calm, like a lake frozen over, the surface quiet and still without anything being able to disturb him.

Yes, he meant it.

Felix was preparing for bed when he thought of the journal still hidden in one of his desk drawers. He took it out and read through the hastily scribbled words under the dim candle light. _Sylvain is important_ , Felix had written, back when his heart was still full of love. _Sylvain_ and _important_ were underlined twice as if Felix had known back then that he would no longer remember what loving Sylvain felt like. 

"Afterwards, your feelings may return, but during the process, you won't remember you even love that person in the first place. Even when you do remember that you’re supposed to feel something, you probably won't care," Linhardt had said as he gave Felix a stronger dose. That day, Felix had returned to his room immediately to write down the reminder, desperate to cling on before the concoction dragged him under.

Felix had written down, in painful details, a long list of activities that he needed to do for Sylvain and whether Sylvain liked them or if they were for Sylvain's own good. Felix had thought that even if he lost his feelings, he could follow this list and do these things and Sylvain would not notice. All Sylvain wanted was for someone to love him, and Felix had made a personal promise that Sylvain would always have at least Felix.

 _Do this. Do this even if your heart is not in it. It would be like training_ , he had thought back then. 

Felix did plan to follow through with this promise back then. He would remember the night before when he looked at the journal. Then morning would come, and he would think about all the tasks he had to do for the day, and he would just...forget about Sylvain. He would remember sometimes, heading back from a hunting party or when his training blade collided with the training dummy or when he was sitting in the sauna, but the thought was always fleeting with no strong emotional purpose to tether them. 

Felix closed the journal and put it back into his desk when there was knock at the door. It was late, and there was only one person he knew who would come at this time of night. Sylvain's tired smile greeted him as he opened the door. "Hey. Could I sleep here tonight?"

The words in the journal were still fresh in Felix's mind. Sylvain's smile was more genuine when Felix stepped aside to let him in. 

Felix waited underneath the layers of blankets as Sylvain stripped to his undershirt. "How was the hunt today?" Sylvain asked as he folded his clothes neatly and placed them on Felix's chair. His voice sounded jovial and like shattered glass at the same time.

"It was a lot easier this time with Bernadetta there," Felix said. He had asked Bernadetta to come because of her excellent bow skill, and it proved to be a wise choice with the amount of flying beasts they encountered. 

Felix closed his eyes and turned on his side to face the wall when Sylvain blew out the candle and the room plunged into darkness. He shivered with the sudden blast of chilly air as Sylvain slid in next to him. It felt less cold once Sylvain's chest pressed against his back. Sylvain's body radiated heat like a personal fireplace.

Felix could feel Sylvain’s breaths against the back of his neck.

"You didn't take me with you today," Sylvain said.

"The terrain wasn't good for horses. You would have slow us down."

"That never stopped you from dragging me along before." Sylvain pointed out, sounding petulant. "I could have just gone on foot."

Felix didn't even consider bringing Sylvain today. "I forgot."

Sylvain didn't say anything for so long that Felix thought he fell asleep. Just as Felix was drifting off, he heard Sylvain whispered.

"Even if I have to watch you slowly fall out of love for me, I'll always have your back, Felix."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone! And for those who don't celebrate, I hope you have a good relaxing break!
> 
> I've been struggling with writing this, but I keep telling myself, just follow the outline man...just follow the outline...
> 
> Pls stay tune for Felix supposedly getting better and for Sylvain to not be, and then also hopefully the climax of the story.


	3. Chapter 3

Felix stepped into the tavern, neatly dodging a small brawl near the entrance as he instinctively walked toward Sylvain’s usual table. “Felix!” Sylvain called out to him, waving his arm to Felix and jostling the woman in his lap so much that she nearly fell off. The woman caught the edge of the table just in time, her movements too nimble to be someone who was drunk. 

“Ah, so you’re Felix,” she said, sliding gracefully off Sylvain’s lap and into the bench next to him instead. She tucked her dark hair back, her amber eyes twinkled as she patted the space next to her. “Come. Sit.”

“We’re leaving,” Felix said to Sylvain, ignoring the woman completely. “Let’s go.”

“Awww Felix, but I just got here,” Sylvain slurred. It was late afternoon, not yet evening, but Felix had a schedule of eating, stretching, and sleeping, and he didn’t want to disrupt that with getting Sylvain late at night. Sylvain slumped on the table. “Come, join me. You could use some loosening up.”

“You have early training tomorrow,” Felix said. “Ingrid told me to come get you.”

“Surely you could stay for a little while.” The woman smirked. “Have a little fun, all three of us.”

Felix walked up to Sylvain and pulled him up by the arms, and Sylvain got up without much resistance, but as per usual, he could barely stand on his own and had to lean into Felix. Felix put Sylvain’s arm across his shoulder and propped him up. 

The woman looked even more amused.

“Don’t be too rough on the poor dear,” said the woman to their back as Felix dragged Sylvain along. “He’s heartbroken.”

 _Heartbroken? Sylvain?_ Felix thought. _Unlikely._

Sylvain was uncharacteristically quiet as they headed back to the monastery. It started to snow but only very lightly, the small glassy flakes sparkled as the gold afternoon light hit them. Sylvain’s arm tightened around him as a sharp chilly breeze brushed past, and he muttered something, but Felix didn’t catch it.

“What?” Felix asked. 

“Where did you go, Felix?”

“I’m here,” said Felix.

“No, no you’re not,” said Sylvain. “You’re not here.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Your body is here,” Sylvain whispered, his voice could barely stay above the whistling of the wind. “But you’re not here with me. You’re not.”

Felix didn’t know what to say to that. So he didn’t.

Whenever someone asked Felix if he remembered when he first met Sylvain, and usually this would be one of the women that followed Sylvain around the monastery, Felix always said no and left Sylvain sputtering behind him. “But I remembered our first meeting,” Sylvain would say, and then went on great lengths to describe a romanticization of when Felix used to cling on to Sylvain, how cute Felix was, how Felix refused to let Sylvain be the only one to take the blame when they got in trouble, and how Sylvain missed those simple days. 

It was true, Felix didn’t remember the first time he had met Sylvain. He could recall the good memories only when Sylvain described them, and Sylvain always remembered those good times in great detail. Felix, unlike Sylvain, could only remember the bad memories in great detail, and while Sylvain could flutter from conversation to conversation and get acquainted with people using his good stories, Felix chose to stay silent. 

Unlike Sylvain, Felix did not miss those simple days. Felix didn’t miss watching mysterious bruises bloomed across Sylvain’s skin. He didn’t miss the confusion that clouded his mind every time Sylvain said the bruising was from his own clumsiness, he didn’t miss when those pieces came together in his mind a long time later, way too late. 

There was a time though, before Felix figured things out, when he had asked his father whether Sylvain could live with them. It was one of the many times. “No, Felix,” his father had said. “Sylvain has his own family. He has to live with his own family.” His father was amused by Felix’s insistence, but several moons later Felix would see his father smile less and less every time this question came up. 

“But Sylvain gets into a lot of accidents,” said Felix, when he was too little to understand the implication of what was happening to Sylvain. “If he is with me, I can watch him, and he won’t fall and hurt himself all the time.”

“Sylvain has his parents to watch him, and he has his older brother,” said Felix’s father. “Just like you have me and Glenn.”

“His family is bad at watching him,” said Felix. He also thought that Miklan was not the same to Sylvain as Glenn was to him, but he couldn't quite pinpoint on why that was the case. 

“Why do you say that?”

“Sylvain is never clumsy when he is with me,” said Felix.

“Clumsy?” His father muttered, then frowned. “How about this: if your tutors tell me that you are ready for the junior academy in Fhirdiad, then you can take the entrance exam and join Sylvain there? How about that?”

When Felix informed Sylvain that Sylvain wouldn’t be falling and getting hurt anymore because he could watch over Sylvain, Sylvain had looked like he wanted to cry but was trying to smile for Felix’s sake. 

“What? You’ll watch over me forever?” Sylvain teased. 

Felix was startled. He had meant that he would watch over Sylvain at the junior academy. “Only if,” he crossed his arms and looked away as he mumbled. “You’ll be my friend forever. But you might not want to be.”

Sylvain didn’t say anything at first, and Felix could feel the creeping regret curling in his guts. Felix wished he could take his words back. However, he should have known he could trust Sylvian, because Sylvain chuckled and said, “Of course I want to. I’d rather die than stop being your friend, Felix.”

“Don’t say that!” Felix snapped to try to hide the fluttering in his stomach. “I won’t let you die.”

“I guess you’ll have to stick with me forever to make sure of that then,” said Sylvain.

“Fine!” Felix said. “We’ll stay together until we die together. Try not to die before then.” He thought about Sylvain by his side, now and for always, and it felt right, like they had always meant to be together. 

“I promise.”

“Felix? Thanks for helping me with the flowers again,” said Annette. 

“If that’s all.” Felix rose to his feet. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Felix?” 

Felix dusted off his hands. “Do you need something else?”

“No! I don’t! You’ve helped me plenty—it’s just.” Annette looked uncertain. Her eyes flickered to Felix, then to the flower bed in front of her, and then back to Felix again. “You always—” she paused, looking even shiftier. “Are you okay?”

“I am,” said Felix. There were a lot of people that had asked him that same question lately even though Felix felt physically fine. Although today when he woke up, he felt an uncomfortable curling inside his guts. He had a vivid dream about himself and Sylvain as children. They were old memories—that was not surprising. What was surprising was that he actually remembered every single detail of his dream when he woke up, and even more surprising that the memory would flash inside his mind at random times during the day. This never happened to him before.

Annette frowned, and Felix added, “I did not sleep well.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Annette said. “You’re been off for a while now.”

“Off?”

“Yeah! Like, quieter than usual! You didn’t even argue with anyone these past few weeks, or,” she flushed, her voice growing smaller. “Ask me to sing for you or tease me in a while.”

“I don’t have a reason to argue with anyone,” said Felix. His mind strayed to thoughts of Sylvain without prompting, how Sylvain missed Felix being mean to him. “If you want to sing, then sing.”

“Of course I want to sing!” Annette bounced up to stand on her feet. “I just thought you would want to listen! But you’ve been.” She paused and flung a hand up and down in a sweeping gesture that probably meant all of Felix. “This.”

“This,” Felix echoed, uncomprehendingly staring at her.

“This!” She affirmed. “Like a shell of yourself. We all thought so, you know. And Mercie definitely knows something, but she won’t tell me, and Mercie tells me everything! Well, nearly everything...Anyway I know something is wrong. I just know it!”

“Nothing is wrong,” said Felix. Was he a shell of his former self? His mind flashed to Sylvain again, how Sylvain had said that he missed Felix being grumpy and mean, and then Felix’s chest felt unusually tight. “Well, if you don’t need me for anything else, I’m leaving.”

“Felix!” Annette shouted at his back as Felix rushed out of the greenhouse when he felt a sharp familiar twinge. Just when Felix felt a little itch inside his airways, the familiar coolness of Linhardt’s spells washed over him, and his body felt at peace once more. 

The coil inside Felix’s guts never eased though. 

“What do you mean?” Felix asked.

Linhardt looked at Mercedes as if he needed a second confirmation. Mercedes’s face was solemn as she said, “Most of the sprouts have died, as we predicted.”

“But you don’t think I’m getting better,” said Felix.

“I’m sorry, Felix,” said Mercedes. “It seems that suppressing your emotions could only slow down the disease’s progression.”

“But the plants died, as you’ve said.”

“Yes, but here.” Linhardt gestured to a small dark shadow at the corner of his left lung, where a single plant remained, a lot larger than its siblings that had died off. “The dying plants seem to be the natural progression of the disease. Since the process was so much slower than the normal progression of the disease, we thought you were getting better because we didn’t notice this one plant growing bigger until now.”

“So removing the plant is my only option,” said Felix. 

“I’m afraid so,” said Mercedes. Her voice was gentle. “Are you open to the idea of surgically removing the plant? I know you will lose your love for that important person, but this is the only option we have.”

“Yes,” said Felix. “I want the plant removed.”

Mercedes looked surprised. She turned to Linhardt, who was giving Felix a scrutinizing look.

“You were so adamant about not getting the surgery before,” said Mercedes. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” said Felix. “I have no intention of dying.”

“You’re saying this now because you cannot feel anything for that person,” Linhardt pointed out.

That was probably true, but that didn’t change the fact that it was a choice between dying and not dying. “I want it removed.”

Mercedes and Linhardt looked at each other. 

“I will get professor Manuela,” said Mercedes. “We can come up with a surgery and recovery plan.”

Ingrid ran up to Felix when he was heading back from the dining hall, her hurried breathing clouding up in the cold air as she said, “I can’t find Sylvain.”

“I haven’t seen him,” said Felix. 

“No one in the monastery had seen him today, and he’s not in his room,” Ingrid sighed. “Do you think he’s at the tavern again this week? I didn’t think of that since he just went the other day. Do you think he has been there all afternoon?”

“He probably is,” said Felix. “He’ll find his way back.”

“He has been going to the tavern a lot more often and staying for a lot longer than before,” Ingrid sighed. “You’re not worried about him?”

“The tavern is within our safety zone, and Sylvain is a good fighter,” said Felix. 

“That’s true, but…” Ingrid bit her lower lip, then said. “I guess the treatment is working for you.”

“Do you want me to check the tavern?” asked Felix. 

“No, I’ll get him,” Ingrid sighed.

Felix thought briefly about telling Ingrid that he could go but decided against it. He wasn’t Sylvain’s keeper, he reminded himself through the familiar coiling in his stomach.

That night, Felix layed in bed staring at the ceiling until he heard clamoring down the hallway with the familiar echo of Ingrid’s steps and Sylvain’s drunk stumbling. He didn’t fall asleep until he heard Sylvain’s door shut. 

Felix was swimming toward shore when he remembered that he left something behind. The dock was only a few strokes away, so he could worry about it after he got out of the water. Yet it tugged at the back of his mind, growing stronger every time he tried to move forward. Just as he reached the dock, Felix stopped. He turned back to look, just a quick look before he returned to shore.

Under the dying afternoon light, there Sylvain was, sitting on a wooden raft endlessly drifting along with the current. He had his back to Felix.

That idiot. If Felix didn't go get him, he would probably drift away and be forever lost.

As Felix swam toward Sylvain, he realized that Sylvain was drifting away faster than Felix could catch up. He stopped and shouted at Sylvain, but Sylvain didn't respond. He gritted his teeth and kept on moving but faster now, hoping that he could get to a distance where Sylvain could hear him, but his body just felt heavier and heavier with every move forward.

Felix nearly reached the raft when he came to the startling realization that perhaps Sylvain had always known Felix had been trying to swim to him. It was possible that Sylvain had heard Felix shouting and splashing his way but had decided to ignore it. When Felix turned back to check, he saw that he was so far from shore that he could no longer see the pier or the thin stretch of land anymore.

'Fuck it,' Felix thought, giving up on trying to stay afloat. Just as he began to close his eyes, wisps of red bangs floated into his vision, and he scrambled to stay afloat once more.

He was Sylvain. He was in Sylvain's body. Up on that wooden raft at the distance, that was Felix, not Sylvain.

Because only Sylvain could pull the nonsense where he would follow Felix into danger without care for his own wellbeing. Only Sylvain would punish himself. Felix really got pulled into Sylvain's nonsense, didn't he? But Felix was aware now. He was Felix, and he was going to keep swimming.

When Felix got Sylvain's sorry ass on the raft, he was back in his body again, facing Sylvain. They were sitting on the pier now, swinging their legs over the water. Well, only Sylvain was. Felix was just watching him from the corner of his vision. The afternoon light alternated between burst of bright sun and soft shade whenever the clouds passed by, and the air was cool.

"You're going to get a bad sunburn," said Felix. "Again."

Felix cursed himself inside his head. It was this afternoon again. This same cursed afternoon. It seemed that his mind couldn't stop reshowing him this same painful scene over and over again. Perhaps he actually enjoyed self-torture as much as Sylvain did.

"Then I will have an excuse to see that cute new healer again. He has the sweetest smile," said Sylvain, knocking against Felix's ankle with his foot. 

Felix knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth next. He had been replaying this conversation in his head so many times now. “You and I are in agreement for once.”

At the time, Felix braced himself for the fall as Sylvain began to process the implication of that statement. Felix’s preference has always been something unspoken, pressed into hiding by the heavy weight of bloodline expectations. He wasn’t like Sylvain who pretended to enjoy wearing his failure to meet high expectations as his armor. Felix knew he was a shit liar.

“Of course. I do have eyes,” said Sylvain. Felix had felt so relieved by Sylvain’s simple response. Sylvain had accepted Felix’s hidden admission in the same way he had accepted everything else about Felix. 

Perhaps that feeling of relief had been Felix’s downfall, because his next words were painfully too honest. “I seriously doubt that given how blind you are to—”

— _my feelings towards you_

Felix stopped himself. His heart nearly jumped out of his ribcage.

His chest burned.

“To what?” Sylvain laughed, but then his laughter came to an abrupt stop when he met Felix’s eyes. Silence stretched between them, and Felix felt like he was drifting further and further away from Sylvain every second. Sylvain scratched the back of his head—the same nervous habit he had as a kid when they broke something and tried and failed to lie their way out of trouble. “I honestly had no idea. I thought you might not have any romantic feelings at all, really.”

Felix scoffed.

“You’ve never shown interest in anyone!” Sylvain exclaimed. “I mean, sometimes I thought you might have had a thing for Annette or Lysithea—” At this, Felix scoffed once more. “What? You are really affectionate toward them.”

“A thing. For Annette or Lysithea.” Felix said flatly. For a smart guy Sylvain could really be stupid sometimes.

“Annette said you asked her to sing for you, and Lysithea said you tried her cakes several times,” said Sylvain, and Felix thought he could detect a hint of bitterness. “But when I sing or bring you food, you always have the sourest look on your face—see? There it is again.”

“Because your songs are always about pretty girls or wanting to come home from war to a pretty wife,” Felix scowled. “And your food is always something that a girl gave to you or something you flirted with the kitchen staff for.” It was so unfair of Sylvain to be upset about this. Felix would tell Sylvain how stupid Sylvain’s songs were, but he never told Sylvain to stop singing. He would tell Sylvain he didn’t want Sylvain’s food trash, but he always took them.

"Those are the only songs I know! And I can't cook well, you know that!" Felix knew. Dedue always had to jump into the rescue.

"I'd rather have your bad efforts than your insincerity," said Felix.

“Okay, I get it.” Sylvain sighed. “You could be a little nicer to me, you know. At least at the same level you have for other people.”

“I’ll be nice to you when you actually deserve it,” said Felix, and instantly regretted his words when Sylvain looked crestfallen of all things. It was only a second before he quickly recovered with a teasing smile, ready to diffuse this moment. Felix’s heart softened at the sight. Sylvain was always like this, wasn’t he? 

Sylvain couldn’t hide his shock as Felix gently brushed Sylvain’s bangs out of his eyes and tucked some of the longer strands behind his ears.

“You’ll never be at the same level as everyone else because to me, you’re always...always…” Felix struggled to put into words what his heart had always known to be true since they were children. “Look, ever since we were kids, you’ve always been special to me, so I made that promise to stay together until we die together. And my feelings towards you, I’ve always had them and I always will. I..think I've always loved you before I even knew what love meant. Do you get it now?”

Felix felt painfully exposed. Now Sylvain finally knew. Felix thought about their closing distance over the past year, the looks, the lingering touches...Felix had hoped that if Sylvain knew, if he understood, then maybe….

But Sylvain flinched from his touch.

Felix pulled back.

He could barely hear Sylvain through the buzzing in his ears. He had miscalculated.

“I’m sorry,” Sylvain had said. “I don’t think I have the capability to love anyone. I’m sorry.”

Felix looked away. His eyes burned. His chest burned. His entire body felt like it was on fire.

“Don’t say you’re sorry about this,” Felix said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But it’s not fair to you—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Felix insisted. “We can just go on as before. Nothing has to change.”

Then he was back on the tiny wooden raft this time, lying there all alone, but the pain remained even when Sylvain was gone. Felix didn’t want to make Sylvain think that Sylvain was going to lose him over something like this, but at the same time, he was tired of always watching after Sylvain with false hope in his heart or watching Sylvain find someone else. His lungs itched, and he let the coughs beat on his body, over and over and over again until blood and petals splattered against the wood underneath his hands. 

The uncomfortable feeling of awareness was beginning to trickle in, and the raft started to sink. Maybe the water would finally fill his lungs and cool the turbulence inside Felix at last.

Felix woke up, heart in his throat.

Sylvain was leaning against the wall in front of his room when Felix walked out. He immediately straightened at the sight of Felix, and it was different than his usual easy going façade. Sylvain was fidgeting and tapping his fingers rapidly against his thigh, but he was smiling. Felix thought of telling Sylvain to stop the act before deciding that it wasn’t his place to do so. He felt unsettled by his vivid dream. They had been occurring a lot more often as of late. 

There was an unusual pressure building in Felix’s chest. He felt pins prickling at his mind, like the uncomfortable returning of physical sensations to a numbing limb. He needed to go check in with Linhardt and Mercedes. 

“What the hell do you want?” Felix asked, and felt his body go cold at the sliver of irritation that he shouldn’t be feeling. He tried to convince himself that it was probably not a big deal, that this lapse used to happen sometimes. 

Sylvain blinked. The finger tapping stopped. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. Felix narrowed his eyes, daring Sylvain to comment on Felix’s slip just now. 

“Mind if I join in your morning training?” Sylvain said.

“I don’t mind,” Felix said. Ingrid said he had been improving immensely, and he wanted to test his strength against Sylvain. “Let’s spar.”

The queasy feeling of unease never left Felix through his warm up exercises and during his spar with Sylvain. Usually he could easily focus on the opponent's position and movements and respond accordingly, but today his mind felt hazy. He could see everything that was happening in front of him, and his body was moving to respond, but his mind felt like it was elsewhere watching in. The pin prickling sensation began to synch up to a pulsing headache, and Felix tightened his grip on his sword. 

Sylvain thrusted his lance in a painfully obvious move, and Felix knew what he needed to do to dodge, roll, and then knock the weapon from Sylvain’s hands, but there was a delay in the message that was sent from his brain to his limbs, and Felix could only manage to narrowly dodge the attack. 

Sylvain only paused momentarily to give Felix a considering look before he swung his lance forward once more. 

_Move_ , Felix ordered his body. It stubbornly stayed still. _Damn it, move_ . Felix bit the inside of his mouth so that the pain would snap him awake, but Sylvain was faster. The impact of the training lance against his shoulder sent sharp pain down his arm, his headache throbbed into a violent storm that made his eyes burn and his ears ring. Hot liquid metal hit his tongue. Felix staggered back. His knees weakened, but discipline locked him in place. “Move, Felix! _Move_ ,” his mind shouted at him in both Glenn’s and his father’s voice at once, and by pure habit Felix’s body actually responded. 

Felix charged, pivoted from the lance, and swung. The sword arched, and Sylvain, not quite expecting Felix to move so fast, only felt the pain and his lost grip on the lance before his mind caught up to what happened, but was too late to respond before Felix rushed up and struck him across his chin. Felix made sure he did not hit too hard but just enough to knock Sylvain back, and another strike at the knees brought Sylvain to the ground.

“Okay, okay. I yield, I yield,” Sylvain groaned as Felix placed the wooden sword against his neck. “I really thought I had you, but you’re _fast_.” 

“You’re too slow,” said Felix. His other arm was still in pain. His mouth hurt where he bit on it until blood came out. His head was still throbbing. His lungs burned with exertion. But overall, that was a good sparring session. Felix dropped the training sword and reached out with his good hand to help Sylvain back onto his feet. 

“Owww, I’m in great pain,” Sylvain said as he grabbed Felix’s hand and pulled himself up in the slowest possible pace known to humanity. 

Felix snorted. “Get over it, you manchild. I didn’t even strike you that hard.”

“You did,” Sylvain whined. “I’m going to bruise _all_ over.”

“That’s what training is for. You bruise now so you don’t die later on the battlefield,” Felix shoved Sylvain away when he saw that Sylvain was going to be fine and not neglecting to tell Felix how badly he was actually hurt. “If only you would put in as much effort in training as you do whining about it.”

“Felix, comfort me.” Sylvain wrapped his arms around Felix’s shoulder and clung to him, and Felix let out a hiss at the pressure against his bad shoulder. Sylvain immediately let go, but he still kept a hand on Felix’s good shoulder. “Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine,” said Felix. He moved his shoulder experimentally, and then corrected himself. “I should go to the infirmary for a quick Heal.” The throbbing in his head was intensifying now, and Felix was beginning to feel a little nauseated. 

“I can help you with that,” said Sylvain, who quickly caught Felix before Felix realized he was starting to tip over. “Let’s get you down somewhere.”

Felix’s chest was still burning, and that was unusual because the spar with Sylvain shouldn’t have winded him this much. “You can heal?”

“Yeah, I asked the professor to add it to my training regimen,” said Sylvain as he slowly helped Felix to sit at the edge of the training ground, and Felix’s heart clenched at how gentle Sylvain was to him. “I’m not too good yet, so I can’t quite get the spell to penetrate past protective gears or clothes.”

“I didn’t think you care about improving your Faith skills,” said Felix. 

Sylvain hummed. His hands hovered over Felix’s bad shoulder. “May I?”

“Go ahead. If you messed up my shoulder, I’ll kill you,” said Felix. He held back a hiss when Sylvain slowly undo the fastening of his shoulder guard. Felix slowly loosen the first two straps of his coat open and tried not to jostle his shoulder too much as he tugged at his undershirt so that Sylvain could slide a hand in. Sylvain’s hand wasn’t in direct contact, but Felix felt a phantom touch prickling his skin. 

A flash of light burst underneath Sylvain’s palm. Warmth spread over his shoulder, penetrating his skin deep into the nerves and muscles, and Felix could feel the pain slowly easing away as things shifted back into place.

“When did you learn Heal?” asked Felix. His shoulder was as good as new. Sylvain knew what he was doing. 

“I don’t know, a few weeks ago?” Sylvain said, looking shifty. He cleared his throat. “Since I was already delving into magic anyway, I thought I might as well learn some healing at the same time.”

“You started to learn magic half a year ago,” Felix pointed out. He smacked Sylvain’s hand away when Sylvain didn’t seem like he had any intention of moving it and pulled his clothes back into place. 

“Did I? Right,” said Sylvain, who was _fidgeting_ for some reason. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I only know Heal now, but I should be able to learn more complicated healing spells soon. So you don’t have to worry.”

“Good,” said Felix. “I can’t always be watching over you. At least now you can keep yourself from bleeding to death before a healer can get to you.”

“Well actually—” Sylvain began to say before he stopped himself. He looked away and sucked in his lips. 

“What?” Felix asked. 

When Sylvain turned back to meet Felix’s eyes, he was smiling, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Nothing.”

“You were going to say something,” said Felix. He hated whenever Sylvain did this. “Spit it out.”

Sylvain’s eyes flashed, and Felix knew that Sylvain was going to try to change the subject, to divert Felix from that he wanted to keep hidden. “Damn it Sylvain, you know how much I hate it when you do that.”

“I didn’t think you’ll want to hear about my exploits,” Sylvain said, a smirk stretching across his face. 

“What?”

Sylvain sighed dramatically. “Well, that cute new healer was playing hard to get. I just want to enlighten him of my hidden depths.”

Felix narrowed his eyes. He shoved Sylvain away from him and rose to his feet. “I’m leaving.” He wasn’t even moving that fast, but his head spun, and he felt strangely unsteady on his feet.

Sylvain caught him. Felix tried to push him away, but he realized that he had somehow lost the strength of his limbs. 

“We should get you to the infirmary.”

“I’m fine—” Felix snapped but choked on his word as the pain in his lungs that he thought was from physical exertion sharpened. Only with Sylvain’s arms could he manage to stay upright.

 _No_ , Felix thought with horror, as he noted that the familiar burn in his chest had returned. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me again. I had an extremely good reason why I've been sitting on the draft of this chapter for so long. The main reason is: I'm really lazy. Also because I went back and forth about scraping away my outline (finally I told myself to just DO IT). Also because I am moving and trying to meet some work deadlines at the same time.
> 
> Thank you for stopping by this fic. I hope everyone had a good week (or two) getting back to school/work after break! For those of you who didn't get breaks, I hope you get some good rest at some point!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys this has to be a rush job because I was just informed recently (aka two hours ago) that I am leaving for a trip in 6 hours. I got to go pack. So here it is!! Please forgive me I might make changes to this chapter later. 
> 
> Again, thank you for reading, and I hope everyone has a good weekend!!

Felix didn’t have to look to know that the situation was bad.

“The plant is growing too fast. The disease shouldn’t be developing this rapidly,” said Linhardt. He frowned at the very sizable shadow in Felix’s lungs. “Have you been in extended contact recently with the person you’re in love with?

“No,” Felix said. He barely saw Sylvain until very recently. They had so little interaction that it barely counted as extended contact. “How long do I have?”

Linhardt sighed. “Typically people have a year before the disease becomes fatal. The treatment should have given you some extra time based on the size of the plant yesterday but…this? Maybe half a year.” 

The full weight of his impending death finally hit Felix. He’d gone into knowing the possibility that perhaps the next battle would be _the one_ where he wouldn’t come back. But this— _this_ was different. This wasn’t a possibility, it was a set time. He could fight against Death in battle. He could not fight this.

“We’re marching out tomorrow,” said Felix. “Will my body be able to hold next month?

“Felix, with the way your disease is progressing,” said Mercedes. “I think it’s best that you stay here.”

“I would have said _yes_ yesterday,” said Linhardt. “Now, I am not sure. Mercedes and I are marching out tomorrow with everyone, but Professor Manuela and the other healers should be able to do the surgery.”

“Will I be able to hold it for the next battle if I stay away from…” Felix paused. He tried to push down the protest in his mind at the thought of not seeing Sylvain again. Even without finishing his sentence, Mercedes and Linhardt seemed to understand anyway.

“It’s too risky,” said Mercedes at the same time Linhardt said, “Maybe.” They looked at each other. Mercedes shook her head, and Linhardt sighed.

“After the next battle, we won’t be marching out for a while,” said Felix. “I can do the surgery then. I…can’t stay behind this time.” Call it intuition or paranoia, but Felix had a feeling that he needed to keep an eye on Sylvain at this next battle.

Mercedes looked at Felix’s clenched fists, and something in her gaze made him loosen his grip. “Felix, your feelings have returned?”

Linhardt looked alarmed, and that was a frightening sight because Felix had not seen Linhardt looked anything but calm. “The spells wore off? How?”

“I just need to hold on through the next battle,” said Felix. “Just give me a stronger dose. I can still fight. You’ve been checking my physicals. You know I’m still fit.”

“If the spells keep wearing off this fast, I can’t advise you to delay the surgery any longer,” said Linhardt. “It’s true that you have enough time left to get the surgery after the next battle, but—”

“Then I want to wait,” Felix cut Linhardt off before Linhardt could finish his extremely logical suggestion.

“Felix—”

“I need to go!” Felix snapped, and Mercedes and Linhardt both jumped at his tone. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and his lungs ached in response. “I need to.”

Felix braced himself against their stares, straightened his shoulders and glared back. He wouldn’t be the first one to break.

Finally, Linhardt sighed and said. “Only if the professor agrees. And if during the journey, your disease gets worse, we’re sending you back.”

The Professor’s eyes were assessing on Felix. “Will you be able to keep away from Sylvain?”

“Yes,” Felix said. _‘No,’_ said his heart.

That night, Felix did not answer when there was knocking at his door, a series of three every few minutes. Then, there was silence for a while. Felix didn’t hear Sylvain’s door close until nearly an hour later.

“It’s working.” Mercedes was the one to make the call first this time as they examined Felix’s lungs. They were a few days into their journey, and Felix had been doing a checkup every day. The Professor was informed of the result every time. “The plant is not growing at all,” Mercedes said as she rolled up the measuring string and put it back into its box. Next to her, Linhardt nodded and confirmed her assessment. 

“How are you feeling?” Mercedes asked.

“Fine,” said Felix. He noted during his exercises in the morning that his stamina wasn’t as good as before, but that was to be expected given his current condition. The combination of Mercedes, Linhardt, and the Professor’s magic in the spells kept him grounded.

“Are you worried about the coming battle?” Mercedes said.

“No,” Felix answered.

Mercedes was silent for a while. Then, she said, “How do you feel about us sending you back to the monastery? Just as a precaution?”

Linhardt gave Mercedes a considering look, then he turned to Felix and raised a single questioning brow.

“If it’s necessary, I will go,” Felix said.

“You said that this next battle is important to you,” Mercedes pointed out. “You insisted on going. Are you really fine with that?” She straightened her shoulders, as if bracing herself for his response.

Both Mercedes and Linhardt were studying him closely, Felix could tell. What he could not understand was why they were doing that or why they were asking him this question in the first place.

Now that Felix thought about it, he really should have stayed back and get the surgery. Someone could replace his position here—they had prepared for this possibility. He knew that he was here now because of—what?—a bad premonition that something was going to happen to Sylvain, but that did not make any sense. Sylvain was fine. He was well trained, and his battalion was well trained. It was not Felix’s job to follow Sylvain everywhere and get in the way.

“I’m fine with heading back,” said Felix.

Both Mercedes and Linhardt looked relieved at that.

“I don’t think Felix needs a stronger dose,” said Linhardt.

Felix blinked at him, not understanding what just happened. If he needed to leave, then he would leave. What was so strange about that?

The Imperial soldiers took them by surprise during Felix’s patrol shift.

Felix sent out the alert as soon as his men reported to him that their magic traps in the south east went off, but despite their quick response, the enemy was quicker. It wasn’t long until someone else reported to Felix that the entire southern part of the camp had been invaded.

The enemy was well coordinated and came well prepared because they clearly knew to target Felix and other people in position of command even in the chaos.

But while they were skilled, Felix knew he was _better_. All the extra training paid off, and the much more potent concoction with the additional magic from the Professor sharpened Felix’s focus onto every fight. Felix knew based on their current formation that they were trying to corner him. The Imperial soldiers were prepared, but not that prepared, not when Felix knew every bit of the camp layout and every tree like the back of his hand.

Felix noted that some of the enemy mages would pause in their actions sometimes, eyes unfocused for a brief few seconds before they snapped back to attention and change their direction.

 _Like a puppet on strings_ , Felix thought. _Waiting for orders. Possibly psychic connection?_

But for someone to be able to give specific directional orders, they had to have a good view of the camp, likely from above. There were five makeshift patrol tents in perfect position, but only one that would be easily accessible if the Imperial soldiers came from the south east. Felix turned to his second-in-command and gave her the order to check the patrol positions—Felix would aim for the south east one himself where the enemies were likely to be in greater numbers.

Take out the head of the serpent, and wiggling remaining body should be easy to take care of. Felix just had to—

Felix halted in his track.

From a corner of his vision a blade rushed down at him, and Felix quickly moved to block. A few strikes and a slash across the enemy’s leg brought them down, but Felix’s mind was falling into chaos.

The cavalry units camped in the south west. If the Imperial soldiers already took the entire southern part—

Felix’s head ached at the thought, and his chest flared violently with anxiety and pain. _Sylvain_ , Felix’s mind echoed _. Sylvain, Sylvain, Syl_ —

A cooling sensation started at the back of his head, quickly spreading over his mind, and Felix could feel the anxiety immediately subside as the numbing magic washed over him. He had to focus. He had to check on the south east patrol point. Sylvain would be fine. Sylvain was a good fighter. Sylvain was a good mage. Sylvain didn’t need Felix to watch him. Sylvain—

Felix’s body moved before his mind could stop it. He needed to go east, he needed to check on the eastern post, he needed to go the logical thing and help end this battle, but his entire body, his heart, and even his mind, buried deep as it was under the magic of three powerful magic casters, knew where he always wanted— _needed_ —to go.

_“I won’t let you die.”_

_“I guess you’ll have to stick with me forever to make sure of that then.”_

Felix rushed to where Sylvain set camp. His chest burned. His head throbbed. Warmth trickled down his nose to his lips, and Felix tasted hot metal. It felt like his body was slowly falling apart, but Felix had never been so focused.

Felix spotted Sylvain where he thought Sylvain would be, surrounded by Imperial soldiers, looking like he was ready to fall on his feet. His body protested every time he moved, but sheer determination kept his body going. Felix moved faster than the soldiers could react, and with precise strikes of his sword, he brought down two of them.

“Felix!” Sylvain cried out. “You’re here!” Felix was about to yell at him to pay attention, but Sylvain immediately casted a fire spell and took out another soldier. His entire body straightened, as if the mere sight of Felix brought back his desire to fight despite his wounds. With their combined strength they made quick work of the Imperial soldiers, Sylvain a steady presence at his back.

“You’re here,” Sylvain said. He looked at Felix in wonder.

“I’m here,” said Felix. He scanned Sylvain’s body, trying to find out how badly he was hurt. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you’ve been avoiding—hey are you alright?” Sylvain frowned, placing a hand on his shoulder, and it was only then that Felix realized that his body might be reaching its limits. He felt like he was falling, all the noises around him muffled underwater. “Felix? Felix!”

“Mercedes! Mercie! Please!” Felix blinked against the harsh light. He must have blacked out at some point. “What’s wrong with him?” Breathing hurt so badly. Felix wished he could rip out his entire chest just to let this be over. He was lying in a cot, probably in the medic tent. How long was he out? He desperately needed water.

Felix could hear Mercedes talking to Sylvain, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. “What is Felix sick with? He has _what_? Professor, did you know this?”

There were more murmuring that Felix couldn’t hear. “Don’t—” Felix tried to say, but couldn’t manage another word before he break into violent coughs. _Don’t tell Sylvain._

A cooling sensation spread over his chest, soothing the pain, and it was easier to breathe now. _Linhardt’s magic_ , Felix thought.

“Felix, _Felix_ ,” Sylvain called out, and Felix turned his head to Sylvain’s panicked face looking down at him. “Felix, is it true? Are you dying of that disease because…because of me?”

“Not,” Felix could barely croak out. “Not your fault.” Felix’s own feelings caused this, he knew.

“I thought this entire time that you—I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me!” Sylvain sounded angry. His entire body was shaking, but then he took a deep breath and grabbed Felix’s hand. Something cold slithered at the bottom of Felix’s stomach at the determination in Sylvain’s eyes.

Felix gathered all his remaining strength because he couldn’t let Sylvian do this. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Felix knew that Sylvain lying to him about this would break him. “Sylvain—don’t—don’t you dare.”

“Felix, I lo—”

“Sylvain! Don’t!” Felix snapped his head to the side, away from Sylvain. “Don’t do this.” _Please don’t lie. Not about this._

Sylvain placed a hand on each side of Felix’s face and pulled Felix’s gaze back toward him. “Felix, I love you.”

“I hate you,” Felix said, and then his chest tightened, needles piercing his lungs and his airways all the way up to his throat, his body breaking into dry coughs that hurt so badly that his eyes began to water. Something hot slid up his throat, and Felix quickly covered his mouth with his palm. Blood dripped down his fingers.

Sylvain’s eyes widened in alarm. “Why—Mercedes—why is this happening?”

Mercedes and the Professor rushed to his side. Mercedes let out a sharp breath when she saw the stained petals in Felix’s hand.

“Felix is not healed from Sylvain’s confession,” said the Professor, turning to Mercedes and Linhardt with confusion.

“No,” said Linhardt. “I think Sylvain’s confession just made it worse. We need to do the surgery now.”

Felix woke up to the Mercedes wiping his face with a cloth. His mind was fuzzy, and while he wasn’t in any physical pain, his entire body was numb. He could barely feel the cloth scratching his face. The spells from the surgery probably hadn’t worn off just yet.

“How are you feeling?” Mercedes asked. “Are you in any pain?”

“I don’t feel much of anything,” said Felix. “Is it…over?”

Mercedes paused. She pulled away from Felix. She looked exhausted. Felix swallowed down the fear throbbing at the back of his mind and asked the question he could guess the answer to. “Am I still sick?”

“The surgery wasn’t working,” Mercedes sighed, sounding distraught despite her attempt to keep her calm demeanor. “Linhardt was trying to kill the plant while I healed the part of your lung damaged by the plant, but every time I heal you…the plant regrow. We rotated through several healers but…we can’t kill the plant.”

Felix closed his eyes.

“We’re all meeting in a little bit to discuss what to do next,” said Mercedes. She patted his hand and then gave it a gentle squeeze. “We’ll figure out something. Just rest. I'll come back later to check on you and give you another pain numbing spell.”

 _It was futile_ , Felix knew. _Absolutely futile_.

The next time Felix woke up, only Sylvain was by his side. When Felix opened his eyes, Sylvain sprang to his feet like he was bolting to leave. Felix instinctively moved to follow him, which Felix immediately realized as a bad idea because _everything hurt_. His lungs throbbed every time he breathed as the cold and dry winter air scratched the inside raw. 

“You coward,” Felix rasped. “I hate you.”

Sylvain stopped in his track. “I know. You should hate me. I’m sorry—I didn’t think you would wake so soon.” He looked at the door and then at Felix, as if hesitant of what he should do. “I really shouldn’t stay because your—you might get worse.”

“Just sit down and...don’t say anything stupid,” Felix said, his words breaking into coughs, which he couldn’t seem to stop because no matter how hard his body tried to dislodge the thing in his lungs, it wouldn’t budge, and the more he coughed the more his lungs burned. Sylvain dropped next to him and steadied Felix’s back with one hand while pressing the other to Felix’s chest. Warmth radiated from Sylvain’s palm through Felix’s skin, numbing the pain to a dull ache.

“Better?” Sylvain asked.

“I want to lie down.”

Felix went limp in Sylvain’s arms as Sylvain tried to get him resettled. It was embarrassing how little it took to wind him, but Felix was too tired to care about his pride. Lying down jostled all the tiny branches inside Felix’s lungs, and Felix broke into wild coughs again. Luckily Sylvain was quick to cast another spell, and Felix could catch his breath once more.

“I’ll be right back,” said Sylvain once he tucked Felix in, making sure the sheets were nice and snug. “I’m going to get something.”

“You’ll be back?” Felix hated how weak he sounded, but he needed Sylvain to come back. 

“I will,” said Sylvain. 

“I’ll wait,” said Felix. 

“I know. You always do.”

Felix drifted off without being aware until a heavy thump by his side startled him awake. Sylvain had brought a large basin of water, and he was kneeling in front of it with one hand on each side, red light flashing from his palms. The water bubbled, and steam rose from the basin. Felix realized that it was a little easier to breathe now with the warm and damp air soothing his airway. Sylvain pulled his hands from the basin, but the red light from his spell remained, keeping the heat on the water. 

“Better?” Sylvain asked as he walked to the other side of Felix’s cot and sat down next to him. 

Felix nodded.

“Do you want water?” Sylvain asked as he gently caressed Felix’s cheek, and Felix thought of Sylvain doing the same when they were younger and Felix was stuck in bed for a better part of the week because he got sick on the way to the Gautier lands. Sylvain’s touch was doing nothing to improve the pain in Felix’s lungs, but Felix felt better despite that. 

Felix eyed the water cup on the side table. He was desperately dehydrated, but he didn’t think he could pass anything cold through his throat right now. He shook his head.

“I can warm up the water,” said Sylvain as if he could sense Felix’s thoughts. “I also added a little honey so it’ll be easier to swallow.”

Felix nodded. He needed water badly. The steam was a good idea but it wasn’t enough. Felix wanted to tell Sylvain that he could reach for the water himself, that the water was fine cold, that he didn’t need Sylvain to put so much effort into something so trivial. But a part of him, the soft one that cried a lot as a kid and hid at the training ground whenever he didn’t want to see Sylvain flirt with other people again, craved the affection from Sylvain that he normally pretended that he didn’t need. 

Sylvain was gentle as he helped Felix propped up to drink. The water was just at the right temperature, not too hot, with just enough added honey to make it smooth to drink. 

“Better?” Sylvain asked when Felix drained the entire cup. “Do you need more?”

Felix shook his head. He could use maybe another gulp, but that was just a small amount, and he would rather that Sylvain stayed here with him than leave to get more. 

“I’m sorry,” Sylvain said. “You really should hate me. I deserve it.”

Felix really didn’t want to speak, but he knew it was important to do so. “I don’t hate you.”

“I caused this.” Sylvain’s voice quivered, and Felix’s heart squeezed because he rarely saw Sylvain so shaken. “And I can’t even help you out of it.”

“I hate you for that,” said Felix. He quickly revised his words because Sylvain flinched every time he said the word _hate_ , so clearly Sylvain wasn’t that fine with Felix hating him, despite all his attempt to prove otherwise. “I don’t hate you. Not all of you anyway. I just hate that you lied to me. I'd rather you tell me you hate me than lie to me about loving me. I just...can’t deal with your lies...you’re so damn irritating...you know that? You—” Felix stopped when the flaring pain was too much.

Sylvain placed a hand on Felix’s chest for another soothing spell, but Felix smacked his hand away, which Felix knew was a really stupid thing to do but he was so mad and so hurt that Sylvain’s act of kindness felt like a mockery. 

“How could you?” Felix said, feeling that aching feeling of betrayal returned. “I told you not to, but you did anyway. I’d rather die than have you lie to me about that.”

“Felix, don’t be like this.” Sylvain said, sounding irritatingly calm. It would have been better if Sylvain snapped in anger. Felix couldn’t stand the thought that he was the only one who lose composure so easily, the only one who felt so strongly about this. “You mean everything to me. If there is anything that I could do to keep you living happily, I would without hesitation. I’ll lie if I have to.” 

“You idiot!” If Felix had the physical strength right now, he would strangle Sylvain for being so stupid. “How could I be happy watching you be pathetic and miserable? How could I be happy watching you live a lie? When I said—” Felix paused to catch his breath, the weight of his words even heavier than the plant eating him from the inside. “I love you, do you not understand what that means? You living a lie, pretending to love me while you’re unhappy? I don’t want it. Get out.”

“Felix—”

“Get out.”

Sylvain reached for his hand, and Felix yanked his arm back, but Sylvain caught his hand and gripped it tightly and refused to let go even when Felix struggled. 

“Let me go!”

“It’s not a lie, you know. Loving you is not a lie.”

Felix froze. He couldn’t have heard that right. Surely this was another of Sylvain’s attempt at lying to him, _again_ , and he knew he should pull away, but the stupid part of him wanted to hear what Sylvain had to say.

Sylvain rolled his palm until he could entwine their fingers together. “I’d never need to pretend to be happy by your side because I—” Sylvain’s voice became so tentative that Felix could barely hear it above the sound of the bubbling water and the loud pounding of his heart in his ear. Felix knew that whenever Sylvain get like this, he would say something that he normally wouldn’t allow himself to say. “I’ve always wanted to be there all my life.” 

“ _What?_ ” Felix gritted out, the memory of his awful love confession rose up again. “But you told me several moons ago that you couldn’t—what?”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I panicked!” Sylvain tightened his grip on Felix’s hand. “I never had someone who told me they love me sincerely. It was the first time I actually felt something from hearing those words, and I knew I didn’t deserve it, so I panicked!”

“You’re telling me that you panicked even though you’ve had hundreds of love confessions,” Felix said flatly. _Hundreds._ Felix had to live with the knowledge that he would never be the number one since they were teenagers.

“Yeah I—” Sylvain dipped his head, and Felix knew he would scratch the back of his head if he wasn’t too busy gripping at Felix like he was afraid to lose Felix. “I never had someone important in my life who said they love me and mean it.”

The implications of Sylvain’s words floored Felix. He swallowed, needing to ask even though his heart already knew the answer. “Not even your family?”

Sylvain chuckled, but his laugh sounded closer to a sob. He didn’t answer Felix, but that was an answer in of itself. 

“Sylvain…” Felix stopped, not knowing what to say. 

“You have no idea how often I keep thinking about that afternoon when you told me you love me,” said Sylvain. “Every day I think about it, and I would remember how you’ve given me a chance, and I messed it up. I wish so badly that I could go back and redo all of it, but I know I don’t deserve a second chance—and what would I do with it anyway? I don’t know how to love. I want your love, but I don’t know how to give it. When you started distancing yourself from me I thought—well I deserved that, if you fall out of love with me.”

“Sylvain, look at me,” Felix tugged at his hand until Sylvain met his eyes. He thought about all the little things that Sylvain had done for him, all the successes and all the failures, and how Sylvain always came back and kept trying. “You do know how to love. You have a great capability to love, and that’s one of the things I love most about you.”

Sylvain tried to smile, but his face kept scrunching up. Tears rolled from his eyes, and he said in a choking voice. “I don’t know how to accept that.”

Felix thought he knew what pain was, he had all the battle scars and his broken lungs to prove it, but this here, lying helplessly and watching Sylvian break into pieces, _this_ was worst of all.

It stung, realizing that Sylvain didn’t think he deserved to be love and didn’t know how to accept love. Sylvain, who was ridiculous and annoying at times and could be so cruel, but for all his faults Felix still foolishly loved him and truly believed that Sylvain deserved to be loved more than anyone. Felix could count moments of regret on one hand, and he knew that if he missed this, then he would never be able to live with himself.

“I love you, and I am willing to give you my all, but...I won’t accept anything less than all that you can give me.” Felix said as he thought about the plant growing inside his lungs for the first time, the full implication that his body and soul already knew that he would be willing to lose it all for Sylvain’s honest love, how every fiber of his being had resisted all attempts to destroy his resolve until now. It was frightening how deep his feelings for Sylvain were, but Felix was anything but a coward.

“I only know how to ruin relationships,” said Sylvain. “I don’t know how to do it right.” 

“Do you think I know how?” Felix grumbled. “But…I want to try. For you. Would you…for me?”

“I’m sorry,” Sylvain could barely say through his tears. Sylvain was truly an ugly crier, and it was so irritating how the sight made Felix go soft. “Could I get a do over? Please tell me you love me again. _Please?_ ” Sylvain was smiling now, a real one that reached all the way up to his wet eyes, and Felix knew he couldn’t deny anything that Sylvain asked of him at this moment. 

“Fine,” Felix said, trying and failing spectacularly to hide how much lighter his heart was. “I love you, you irritating idiot.”

“Can I get another do over since you’re being mean to me?”

“Sylvain!” Felix scowled. Then, remembering that for all his easy going manners Sylvain’s heart was surprisingly fragile, Felix softened his voice and fought against the urge to run from Sylvain’s gaze. “Sylvain, I love you.”

“I love you too, Felix. I want to love you and be loved by you for the rest of my life.” Sylvain laughed, a real laugh this time, one that vibrated with joy and relief through his entire body past their linked hands and up Felix’s arm, pulsing in beat with the violent pounding of Felix’s heart. “We’ll get through this.”

Felix’s heart was trying to burst out of his ribcage, but his chest has never been so light. Felix felt his entire body was loosening, the pain ebbing away slowly. A fleeting fear of his limited time, half a year, _only half a year_ , flashed in his mind, but Felix had never felt so strong nor so brave because he had Sylvain with him. 

_I’m not alone_ , Felix thought. _Sylvain is with me._

Sylvain moved to lie down with him, and Felix shifted until he could rest his head against Sylvain’s chest. _I love you, Sylvain_ , Felix thought. _I love you. I love you. I love you._ Sylvain’s heart beat against his ear as if murmuring in response: _I_ _love you too. I love you too. I love you too._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please stay tune for the final chapter where stuff happens probably. But the hard parts are over!


	5. Chapter 5

Back when they were attending the Officer’s Academy, Ingrid used to pester Felix about Sylvain’s girl problems

“He needs to stop,” she told Felix. Felix flinched inwardly because this was never a topic that he wanted to think about ever since they became teenagers and Sylvain amped up his flirtations with every living being. It cut Felix deep inside if he thought about it too much, so he solved the problem by not thinking about it. “We both know this. He doesn’t listen to me, but he will listen to you.”

“It’s not my problem,” Felix said, trying to not think about how his mind went cold at the mention of Sylvain with someone else. “Why do you think he will listen to me if your nagging has no effect?”

“Because it’s _you_ ,” Ingrid said simply, as if that was enough of an answer.

Felix’s heart raced at the implication while his mind refused to believe it. “Just drop it. He’s not going to listen to me. There’s no point, and what am I supposed to tell him anyway?”

“Ask him to stop.”

“Asking Sylvain? Just like that?” Felix scoffed.

“He always does listen to you, Felix,” Ingrid insisted. “Especially if you ask him.”

Ingrid’s word never left him. It echoed through his mind, reminding him of the possibility whenever Sylvain passed him with a crowd of girls at his heel, whenever Sylvain chased after him to tease him that one day he was going to introduce him to a girl, and whenever Sylvain tried and failed to drag him out of the training ground. Felix just let the possibility simmer slowly in his mind until his frustration became too much, and he snapped at Sylvain.

But Felix couldn’t ask Sylvain for his own selfish reasons. Just because you ask someone else for something didn’t mean they could give it to you. Just because he asked the healers to save his mother, didn’t mean that his mother would recover. Just because he asked Glenn to spar with him after coming back from Duscur, didn’t mean that Glenn could. Just because he asked Dimitri to return safe and whole, didn’t mean that Dimitri would. Asking for things just meant that he was setting himself up for a fall when the other person inevitably couldn’t give him what he needed.

The most reliable things were what he could obtain with his own two hands, independent of everyone else.

So Felix didn’t bother asking Sylvain for anything.

Felix felt gentle fingers running through his hair, but he kept his eyes closed, his body boneless as his mind hovered between sleep and consciousness. He pressed closer to the source of heat, nuzzling his face against the familiar scent on warm skin. He winced when the fingers in his hair caught onto a knot that sent a sharp prickle to his scalp. 

"Sorry." Sylvain's voice rumbled against Felix's cheek, rousing Felix until he reluctantly opened his eyes. 

The more awake Felix was, the more aware he became of the bodily discomfort, the tightness of his chest, the chilliness sticking to his fingers and feet. Felix had always disliked the smell of medicine herbs, and they smelled even worse now that he was completely awake.

"Good morning," Sylvain said when Felix blinked drowsily at him. "Do you want to eat something?"

Felix nestled his face into the crook of Sylvain's neck and dug his cold fingers into Sylvain's side in response. 

Sylvain huffed out a chuckle before he resumed running his fingers through Felix's hair again. Every time Sylvain happened to graze against a certain spot near his neck, Felix let out a spontaneous hum. Felix froze when he noticed, but Sylvain kept on stroking his hair as if nothing was out of the ordinary, and Felix breathed in deeply and relaxed against him. 

Of course, Felix should have known that Sylvain couldn’t help himself. "You know, you're like a cat sometimes," said Sylvain.

"I'm going to get food," said Felix, feeling his face heating up. He started to move off Sylvain, but Sylvain pulled him back.

"Come on, Felix. Don't go. Let's just keep cuddling again. I like it!" 

Felix let out an exasperated sigh, but he resettled next to Sylvain. When Sylvain remained still like a dead fish, like he was afraid that Felix would leave again, Felix gave another annoyed sigh, tugged at Sylvain's hand, and placed it back on his head.

Sylvain chuckled, sounding surprised and relieved. 

"Does your chest hurt? Do you want me to cast something?"

"No," Felix answered because his chest suddenly tightened, but he knew it wasn't because of the sickness. All the pains in his body felt different today, not a constant overwhelming throbbing like earlier but like everything was slowly shifting into the right place, and his body was sore from the process. "I want to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me."

Sylvain stiffened, but his voice was light. "Alright, sure. And here I thought all the serious talk can wait until after breakfast."

"Can you be honest with me?"

"I—" Sylvain began, then stopped. Felix wondered if Sylvain would retreat again, brush it off casually like he usually liked to do, but Sylvain took a deep breath, let out a long exhale, and said, "Yes, I can."

Felix felt the weight of his word pressed down on his tongue. He had to remind himself that Sylvain had said it, had sincerely said that he loved Felix. He revised a dozen different ways he wanted to ask the question, all different variations of "do you really mean it, what you said last night?" Felix hated the weak side of him that needed the affirmation, but maybe he should finally listen to the weakness inside him and allow himself to have at least this much. 

Without the exhaustion from last night wearing down his defense, Felix felt shy. Finally, he asked, "Why did you learn white magic? Was it…" He stopped, the words ‘ _for me?'_ sticking to the roof of his mouth.

Felix nearly lost control of his breathing when Sylvain withdrew his hand from his hair, but Sylvain wrapped both his arms around Felix to pull him closer, and Felix relaxed. 

"I did it for you," Sylvain whispered, his voice shaky, and the knot inside Felix's loosened. "I know it's hard to believe, but I did it all for you."

"I'm sorry." Felix mumbled against Sylvain's skin. 

"For what?" 

"I just feel…I...I'm sorry that you were trying so hard for me, but I couldn't feel it," said Felix. The memories, pieces of everything that happened when his feelings were suppressed, glinted when he looked at them in a different light. Felix allowed himself a moment to feel sad for all that he had missed when his heart wasn’t open to receiving them. 

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how I feel earlier."

"It doesn't—"

"It does matter," said Sylvain, choking on his words. "You mean everything to me, Felix. Everything."

"I didn't mean it when I said it doesn't matter," Felix admitted. Sylvain's voice, teetering at the edge of desperation, chipped at the last bit of his stubborn pride. Back when he first confessed to Sylvain, he was lying then too when he said it didn't matter. But it did. The plant residing deep inside his body, draining his life day by day, was a reminder of that.

"I know, Felix. I know." Sylvain said gently. 

Felix knew that it was too late to undo the damages of stewing in the festering wound inside his heart, but now, at least he could abandon some of his pride and asked Sylvain for the things that he had denied himself for so long. 

“Felix?"

“What?”

“I didn’t get a chance to badger the healers because they had so much going on but..” Sylvain paused and took another sharp breath. “Realistically, how long do you have—how...how long will I still have you by my side? Be honest. You don’t have to hold back to protect me.”

“Less than half a year,” said Felix, and Sylvain tightened his hold on him. The weight of his deadline hadn’t hit Felix fully just yet. Felix silently watched the stray strands of red hair at the edge of his vision, how they moved with Sylvain’s ragged breathing.

“Felix?”

“What?”

“I’m here.” Sylvain slid his hand down Felix’s back, rubbing his hand in gentle circles. “I’m listening.”

“Sylvain?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m scared.”

The words felt unfamiliar on Felix’s tongue. He hadn’t admitted to being scared ever since he was ten and didn’t want to be seen as a crybaby anymore. He hated admitting that he was weak. He had worked so hard to not let his emotions get the better of him. 

“I always thought that if I was to die, it would be in a battle,” said Felix. “I don’t want to die like this, lying in bed wasting away while you watch me. I don’t want you to see me like that.”

“What do you need me to do?”

It was stupidly selfish of him, but Felix wanted Sylvain with him, even if he didn’t want Sylvain to watch him break into pieces day by day. Felix didn’t think that he would be this kind of person again one day because he thought he had left behind that emotionally needy child. He thought that he had grown up, gotten stronger, but maybe he had been starving his heart instead. 

“I want to be there for you, Felix,” said Sylvain. “I’m tired of losing time for us. I’ll be with you, every step of the way, if you would let me.”

Felix was struck with the thought that maybe, it was time for him to ask rather than pretend he didn’t need anything. “I don’t want to be alone, Sylvain. Can you…” he paused. “…stay with me?” 

“I understand. I’m here.”

“I hate how weak I am now and how weak I will become.”

“Felix, needing people, needing me to be with you—that’s not being weak. Besides, I want to be here for you because I want to be," Sylvain said. "You understand what that means right? When I said that I love you?”

Felix felt his lips twitching at the memory that he had said something similar to Sylvain. His chest itched, a low dull ache, but he ignored it.

Felix wasn’t used to admitting his vulnerability, but perhaps it was time that he learned how to. 

“It scares me because I…I don’t want to watch you die,” Sylvain said. “But I’m here, and I will be here. I won’t let you be alone, Felix.”

“What if I won’t be able to walk anymore?”

“Then I can carry you.”

“What if I won’t be able to bathe or relieve myself?”

“I’ve always wanted an excuse to see you naked.”

Felix huffed against Sylvain’s collarbone, amused. 

“Sylvain?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember when we were kids, and you used to make up random songs to get me back to sleep whenever I had a nightmare?” 

They were silly songs. Felix didn't remember them except for the fact that they were silly. He wished that he could remember them now, the good memories.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Can you...sing to me?”

“I don’t remember those songs, but I can make new ones.”

Felix fell asleep to Sylvain’s voice, rough and off-key but all so familiar, as the last knot in his chest began to unwind, and Felix’s heart felt warm with the certainty that Sylvain would be by his side. 

He would do a better job of remembering the good times now, Felix told himself. 

Sylvain got Felix a thin vegetable soup for breakfast, which was a wise choice since Felix’s stomach could only handle something light. However, by the time Felix finished eating, the itch in his lungs could no longer be ignored. 

Felix pushed Sylvain’s hand away when Sylvain tried to cast another soothing spell because this felt different. Every time Felix coughed into his palm, he could feel something moving in his lungs, and the more it moved, the more his body desperately attempted to pull it out. Sylvain held Felix, anchoring him. 

When Felix’s cough tapered off to a gradual stop, he opened his palm to dry up, withered petals. Felix looked at Sylvain, who sucked in a breath at the sight, his voice brittle but hopeful. “I’ll get the healers,” said Sylvain.

Felix’s heart pounded with both anxiety and anticipation as Mercedes and Linhardt took turns examining him. He could feel a fever building in the way the air gradually became icy against his skin and his body shivered despite the three layers of blankets. Every cough now felt like liquid was sloshing inside his lungs. 

Despite all of these unusual new symptoms, Felix felt no fear. Sylvain was next to him, a steady presence. Sylvain was here.

“The plant is dying,” said Linhardt in wonder. Felix looked at his glowing lungs, how the dark shadow of the plant was drooping. 

Mercedes turned to Sylvain. “Did you cast any spell on him?”

“Only a simple one to sooth the pain in his chest,” said Sylvain. He squeezed Felix’s hand tightly. “Will he...get better?”

“His body is actually fighting back against the plant like it is a sickness.” Mercedes rose to her feet. She looked tired but relieved.

“Felix’s body was protecting the plant just last night,” Linhardt pointed out. “But it is doing the opposite now. Fascinating. How did it happen?”

“I think if we try the surgery now, it will be successful,” said Mercedes. She looked at Felix’s and Sylvain’s linked hands and gave them a gentle smile. 

Linhardt looked at Mercedes, then at Felix and Sylvain with curiosity.

“If Felix goes through with the surgery, will he make a complete recovery?” Sylvain asked.

“We can’t guarantee it, but since his body is fighting back against the plant, we should be able to remove it,” said Linhardt. “We'll have one healer remove the plant, and another heal the damage done to his lungs just as we have planned before. He should be able to recover in a few weeks.” Linhardt paused, crossing his arms. “Whether he will retain all of his feelings for you, I am not sure.”

Doubt shadowed Sylvain’s face. He tightened his grip on Felix’s hand. 

Felix squeezed back.

“I will,” said Felix. He might not be a healer, but he knew his heart. “Just be here when I wake up. Wait for me.”

“Okay.” Sylvain said softly. “Okay, I will.”

The next time Felix opened his eyes, Sylvain’s head was on his thigh. His mind was calm. His lungs felt clear. Felix inhaled deeply. Nothing hurt.

Felix brushed his hand through Sylvain’s hair. He had always wanted to do this, to see how the strands, red with hints of different shades of gold, passed through his finger. Felix caught a few gray hairs, and he couldn’t wait to point this out to Sylvain later. He wondered how much time had passed, how long Sylvain had waited here for him. His heart surged with affection at the thought. 

As if summoned by Felix’s thoughts, Sylvain drowsily blinked awake. “Felix?”

"I'm here," Felix said. “I’m still here, Sylvain.”

Sylvain smiled, and Felix felt like he could breathe freely again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over! I'm so relieved.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading this fic! Especially to all of you who left me feedback because they were really useful ahaha. I've been trying to get back into writing for a while now, and I haven't been this motivated in a long time, so thank you for your kind encouragements! 
> 
> This fic is a lot different from what I thought it was going to be originally because seriously? my main note for this fic was "Felix take magic meds to suppress his emotions to deal with Hanahaki disease" and that was it. (Well, also I was growing basil indoors from seeds and thought the process where all the small sprouts died and One Strong Plant remained would be interesting to use!) I later realized that the story needs an ending so then I scrambled to write an outline for the last 3 chapters dhjdjfjajjfk. What is organization... I don't know that person. Anyways what I wanted to say is: Thank you for being supportive when I don't know what I'm doing and trying to figure out how to write ahaha.
> 
> Wish you all a lovely week!


End file.
